I'm No Superman
by Dragon of Venus
Summary: Originally just My Kimono, this has now become a series of Bleach fics based on my other favorite show, Scrubs. Pretty basic concept, really. Rating changed for possible suggestiveness. chapter 3: My Reaction
1. My Kimono

(March 30, 6:26 pm)

So, I'm watching Scrubs (it's become a bit of an addiction, really), and this thought randomly pops into my head. Because, let's face it, Kenpachi is the Janitor to Ichigo's JD. (Heh. Analogies are fun!) Oh, also, I decided to stick with the Japanese terms in this one (like "-taichou" rather than "captain"). I don't know why, I guess I just felt like it. So... yeah. Enjoy!

My Kimono

"How do you do it?"

Ichigo turned around to face Kenpachi. Or rather, to face Kenpachi's chest, as the 11th Division captain was something of a giant. "What are you talking about?" he replied, looking up and growing slightly pale.

A head of pink hair emerged from behind Kenpachi's shoulder. "Ken-chan wants to know why everyone respects you so much even though you're a total outsider!" Yachiru grinned.

A drop of sweat rolled down the side of the substitute shinigami's head as he shrugged, "I-I don't know."

"C'mon," Kenpachi sneered, "there's gotta be some explanation. You got everybody hypnotized or something?"

"Yeah, like Nerdy-taichou?"

Ichigo blinked. "She talking about Aizen?"

"I guess. So is that it? You trying to hypnotize me, too? 'Cause that's not gonna work. I'm already hypnotized. Fifty years ago, there was--"

"Ken-chan fought a huge psychotic hollow!"

It took Ichigo a moment to realize what she was trying to say. "Do you mean psychic?"

She shook her head.

"...Anyway," the massive captain went on, "this guy blasts me with some hypnotic beam, and before the thing snaps me out, it goes and gets itself killed. So now there's just some word, floatin' around out there, that if I ever hear it, I'll just go completely unconscious."

A small part of Ichigo's mind wondered, "Did I _ask_?" But instead, he snickered, "You seriously expect me to believe that?" There were about two seconds of silence between this question and, "Is it ramen?"

Kenpachi's face expressed a look of mock amazement. "Unbelieveable, that's it, of all the words out there--"

A vein throbbed in Ichigo's forehead. "Kotatsu." Kenpachi's head dropped as if he'd suddenly passed out. "...Nice!"

He lifted his head and smirked wickedly. "You're such an idiot." With that said, he walked away, leaving Ichigo guessing... literally.

"Onigiri!"

"Nope!"

"Manga?"

"Keep trying, Ichi!"

Ichigo growled under his breath.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Can you believe him? I mean, what kinda moron does he take me for?"

Rukia sighed as Ichigo vented to her later that day. "At least you finally caught on, I guess."

"Yeah," he smirked. "He doesn't think I can figure out what that word is, he's got another thing comin' to him..."

Rukia put a hand to her head. "Ichigo, I have to be honest."

"...What?"

"You really _are_ an idiot."

His eye twitched angrily. "Why the hell would you say that?!"

She shook her head dismissively as she picked up a kimono. "Forget it. My kimono got ripped. Can you see if Uryuu can fix it?"

A look of confusion crossed his face. "Why don't you just ask him yourself?"

She shrugged. "I have no other reason to go to the real world. Besides, it seems kind of, I don't know... trivial."

As he twitched in anger again, Ichigo huffed and grabbed the kimono from her. "Fine. But you owe me for this!"

She sighed again, obviously not taking him seriously. "If you say so."

Ichigo walked away from the Kuchiki estate mumbling to himself, when all of a sudden...

"You gotta be kidding, Kuchiki's got you doin' her chores?"

With a tired groan, Ichigo looked up to face Kenpachi once more. "It's not like I--"

"That _is_ pretty funny, Ichi!" laughed Yachiru.

Her friend then reached for his zanpaku-to with a maniacal grin. "This definitely calls for a fight."

Aware that there was no point trying to get out of this, Ichigo sighed. "Fine, just lemme put down the kimono." As he gently dropped Rukia's dress to the ground, he heard about a dozen little bells chime in unison. He looked back at Kenpachi, and saw his head had fallen once again. Curious, he waved a hand in front of his face, then Yachiru did the same.

"Ken-chan?... Wow, Ichi, he's really out."

Ichigo blinked. "Are you serious? It's been fifty freakin' years and nobody said kimono around this guy?!"

Kenpachi's head rose and he continued as if nothing had happened. "Alright, let's do this."

"Kimono."

His head dropped again.

"Kimono."

"Okay, where were we?"

"Kimono."

Jingle bells, jingle bells...

Without so much as another glance at him, Ichigo ran away.

Yachiru waved and called after him, "See ya later, Ichi!" Then she looked at Kenpachi. "Alright, Ken-chan, he's gone."

As he lifted his head once again, Kenpachi smirked. "I can't believe he's fallin' for this."

"Yeah," his lieutenant giggled, "Ichi's so silly!"

"Yep. This is gonna be a fun day..."

XXXXXXXXXX

"Hah! I knew you were too scared!" laughed a young shinigami. The other one standing next to him groaned hopelessly.

"What's goin' on?" Ichigo asked as he approached the two.

The depressed soul reaper looked over at him. "He says I'm not brave enough to hit Zaraki-taichou with a rock."

"'Cause you're not!" commented the other. "I bet you could do it, Kurosaki-san."

"Yeah, no problem."

"See, even _he_ can!"

"What does that mean?"

"Really? You're not afraid of him?"

Ichigo chuckled. "You kidding? He scares the hell outta me. Doesn't mean I'm afraid to stand up to him. Check this out." He then grabbed a rock and chucked it at Kenpachi, who stood absentmindedly a few miles away. The moment the rock collided with his head, he looked in Ichigo's direction, and within seconds, he was standing in front of him. Feeling particularly cocky, the teen snickered. "Kimono."

Nothing.

"...Kimono."

Kenpachi reached for his sword.

"K-Kimono! KIMONO! ...Ah, crap!" He then ran away, and Kenpachi quickly gave chase. The younger shinigami looked at each other and shrugged.

XXXXXXXXXX

Later, Rukia sat watching as Hanataro bandaged up Ichigo's various wounds. "So... _how_ did this happen?"

He glared at her and simply growled, "Kenpachi lies."

She nodded. "...So did you bring Uryuu my kimono?"

"...DAMMIT!"

------------

I'm thinking about making this another series of oneshots. Opinions? Suggestions? Raccoons? What? (...It's been a long day.)

Aaaaaaaaaanyway, leave a review please! ;)


	2. My Wedding Gift

(May 24, 7:12 pm)

So, yeah. I've decided to make this a series. Might include a few multi-chapter fics also. Lemme know what ya think!

disclaimer: Still don't own Bleach. Or Scrubs. Or ability to speak in full sentences.

My Wedding Gift

"Alright," Soifon announced to her fellow members of the Shinigami Women's Association as she stood at the podium at the front of the room. "I trust you all know why I've called this meeting."

"Oh!" squealed Rangiku, her hand shooting up. "Is it because of the new bathing suit shop in the Seireitei?"

"No..."

"Is it because I finally got those glasses from Basket-Head's lieutenant?" Yachiru piped, propping the sunglasses on her forehead.

"No.. Madame President, tha-- that's not it either," Soifon replied, growing irritated.

A small, muffled voice muttered, "Did Uryuu and Orihime break up?" Everyone stared in the direction the voice had come from. Nemu looked around, avoiding their stares.

Then the gossip began.

"Really? Those two?"

"But they get along so well!"

"I didn't even know they were going out."

"PEOPLE!"

The women looked back at Soifon, who, by now, was just about fuming. "Has _no one_ else heard about Yoruichi-sama's engagement?!"

Silence. Then...

"Oh, that's right!" Kiyone exclaimed. "She and Urahara-san are getting married!"

Momo smiled. "I think it's great! They're such a cute couple!"

"I know, I'm so happy for them!" agreed Rukia.

Soifon cleared her throat impatiently, and everyone looked at her again, finally understanding why she had brought it up. "Oh, Captain," Rangiku said empathetically, "I'm so sorry, I know how hard this must be for you--"

"No," she responded. "It's okay." She then took a deep breath and addressed the rest of the group. "I have come to terms with the fact that Yoruichi-sama is getting m..." The next word seemed to get caught in her throat for a moment before she finally said it. "..._married_. Now, my mission is to get her the perfect wedding gift. Any ideas?" Again, the room was quiet. "...Come on, people, there are no dumb suggestions."

Kiyone rose her hand slowly. "What about a flea collar?"

Soifon's eye twitched. "I stand corrected. Anyone else?"

Slightly upset, Kiyone looked to Isane and whispered, "Why does she hate me?"

As Isane consoled her sister, Rangiku called, "Might I revisit the bathing suit idea?"

The Second Division captain blushed. "...Somehow I don't think that would be appropriate."

"I could draw them a card," said Rukia.

"Seriously, folks, nothing?!"

Rukia was offended, but remained silent.

"Listen," Soifon said sternly, "I don't want to just give her a _thing_, I want her to have something that she can have for the rest of her life. I want her to be happy.... Even though apparently... all the things I've done for her in the past weren't enough..." She regained herself and continued, "But this has to be _perfect_."

"But, Captain," Momo said suddenly, "it's really not up to us whether or not she's happy, it's up to Urahara-san, and we can't, y'know, control what kind of husband he'll be."

If the room got brighter just then, it was because of the metaphoric lightbulb that suddenly turned on above Soifon's head. She then held out her hand, her eyes fixed on the Fifth Division lieutenant, and said, "Madame President, can I have those glasses?... Why are they wet?-- Forget it, I don't want to know." She quickly dried them off, put them on, and continued, "Lieutenant Hinamori, say that last part again, exactly the same way."

Curiously, Momo repeated, "We can't... y'know... control what kind of husband he'll be."

Soifon swiftly took off the glasses and said, her eyes narrowed in suspicious determination, "Or can we?"

XXXXXXXX

"Ah-CHOO!"

Jinta looked at Kisuke. "You alright, boss?"

"Yeah, someone must be talkin' about me," the man replied, rubbing his nose. "Strange, though. I get the feeling something weird's about to happen."

The boy snickered. "Yeah, 'cause _nothing_ weird ever happens around here."

Kisuke watched as his young employee continued to sweep up outside the shop... until a hand clamped over his mouth, another pulled his hat down over his eyes, and another grabbed his cane and used it to drag him away.

Jinta looked up and noticed he was gone, but thought nothing of it. _Not like he would've gotten himself kidnapped,_ he thought.

XXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, with Kisuke's kidnappers...

Soifon swiped the shop owner's hat off his head. He blinked, then asked, "...Can I _help_ you??"

"I understand you're the one Yoruichi-sama's engaged to?" Soifon replied, her arms crossed strictly.

Kisuke took a moment to realize what was going on. "...Oh, yeah, she warned me you might come by. Well, if you wanna try and kill me, can I at least have my cane back?"

Soifon sighed, "I don't want to hurt you... I want to train you."

He blinked again. "Huh?"

"I have promised myself that I would get Yoruichi-sama an excellent wedding gift, and my gift to her is to make you the perfect husband."

After staring at her and the other female shinigami in the room, Kisuke chuckled. "I, uh... appreciate that and all, but I don't really think I need to be trained for something like that."

"Really..." she said skeptically. "Would you know what to do if, say, she woke up one morning and was stuck in her cat form?"

"That's ridiculous."

"Is that what you'll say when she looks up at you with those big, golden eyes and says, 'Meow. Meow.'?"

"Can't she speak in her cat form?" asked Isane.

Soifon's eyebrow twitched. "My point is, Yoruichi-sama is not only an exceptional woman, but an exceptional person, and she deserves nothing less than perfection. She deserves to be with someone who would do anything for her. Got that, pretty boy?"

Kisuke sighed. "Alright, li-- okay, first of all, gimme back my hat!" Before he even got a reply, he grabbed his hat and propped it on his head, going on, "Listen, I've been friends with Yoruichi most of my life. If I don't know her by now, I don't think we'd be getting married."

Soifon stared at him. "I find that rather suspicious.... Okay, let's try and apply this to a different situation: suppose you've gotten home late from working at your little shop--"

"Actually, I live at the shop."

Soifon was clearly getting annoyed with everyone's comments, but let this last one slide and silently vowed to kick the crap out of the next person who said anything out of turn. "Suppose you've gotten home late from somewhere _else_, and Yoruichi-sama wants to know where you've been. Now then..." she trailed off, looking around the room. "Kuchiki. You'll be playing Yoruichi-sama."

Rukia's eyes widened. "Really?" she asked, knowing this must have been some kind of honor coming from Soifon.

"Yeah, why not?"

Again, the petite shinigami's anger went unvoiced.

The captain turned back to her idol's fiancee and went on, "Joining you will be a gorgeous old friend you happened to run into on your day out, who will be... Lieutenant Matsumoto."

Rangiku smiled, then rose her hand. "Can I take off my robe?" As a collective stare came down upon her, she continued reassuringly, "It's okay, I'm wearing a bikini."

Soifon rolled her eyes. _Definitely the next one,_ she thought. "Wait for your cue," she huffed. Rangiku gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up as she and Rukia walked over to Kisuke and stood on either side of him. Soifon sighed. "Okay... action."

With that, Rangiku ripped off her shihakushou, revealing a rather skimpy bikini.

Soifon's eyes widened in both shock and anger. "Matsumoto, what the hell? Did you _hear_ a cue?!"

"You said action."

Finally Kisuke, spoke up. "Alright, y'know what? This is ridiculous! I don't have to prove myself to anyone but Yoruichi, okay? And I plan on doing that every day for the rest of my life." The women stared at him in awe. "Now if you'll excuse me," he went on in his normal nonchalant manner, "I left a child unattended in my shop... and I'm hoping he hasn't blown it up again." And with that being said, he walked away, leaving the room in silence... until he came back and grabbed his cane, then left again.

"...Should we go after him?" asked Nano.

Soifon smiled proudly. "No need. You heard him. He's gonna be a great husband. Nice work, ladies." As she looked around the room, she stopped abruptly and twitched. "Lieutenant Matsumoto, _please_ put your robe back on."

-----------

I wasn't quite sure how to end this one. Hope it wasn't _too_ random. Also, I was worried I made Kisuke a little too OOC, I hope I didn't. Oh, and if you wanna know about the time Jinta blew up the shop, I'll see what I can do ;)

...Mmmmmyeah. That's about it. Leave a review please!


	3. My Reaction

(August 8, 2:52 pm)

I've been wanting to do this for, like, two months, but couldn't come up with anything good until a few weeks ago. Hope this will suffice! (I also hope that I'm using the word "suffice" correctly. fingerscrossed!) And before anyone asks, yes, I made up Daichi. Sorry, fangirls, he ain't real. But I do feel like I kinda based him on Tamaki from Ouran High School Host Club. If you want hot guys and awesome romantic comedy, check it out! (shamelessplug)

Hmm... I've seen other authors do this, so, what the heck, I'll give it a shot, too!

**title:** My Reaction  
**summary:** Renji had heard rumors about him. About a man who abandoned his position as a lieutenant many years ago in favor of another career. But he never would have expected to meet him... for more reasons than one.  
**inspiration:** "My Own Private Practice Guy"

ooh, I feel all professional-like! okay, enjoy!

* * *

My Reaction

"Eeeeeeeeee!!"

The girlish squeal startled the 6th Division lieutenant, immediately distracting him from his paperwork. He rose an eyebrow curiously and shifted his eyes around the room. "Captain...?" Silence. He shrugged and went back to work.

"Omigod!!"

This time, Renji nearly jumped out of his chair. Now thoroughly annoyed, he stood up and stormed out of the Sixth Division headquarters to see what was going on. He quickly realized this would be a bit difficult, however, considering the moment he stepped outside, he smacked into a young female shinigami. He looked around, rubbing his forehead, and quickly realized she wasn't alone: a sea of girls surrounded them. "What the hell is going on?" he growled.

The girl turned around, having apparently not noticed him until this very moment, looking shocked. "You mean you haven't heard who's here?" she gasped.

The answer seemed obvious to Renji. "_No._"

She smiled from ear to ear. "Daichi Morimoto, the famous actor!"

Renji blinked. "What's he doing here?"

"Who _cares_?!" shrieked the girl. Then she looked toward the center of the crowd and squealed. "Omigod, omigod, he's coming over here!"

The girls started screaming --_loudly_-- and Renji was forced to cover his ears to prevent his head from blowing up. This was undoubtedly worse than any opponent he'd ever taken on.

He had to admit, though, that with his fair skin, dark blue eyes, and tied-back jet black hair, Daichi Morimoto _was_ rather handsome (in a completely heterosexual sense, of course). However, he quickly got the impression that the feeling was a bit more than mutual when the actor stopped walking just in front of Renji and stared at him silently, a small grin appearing on his face. "Might you be the lieutenant of the Sixth Division?" he asked, the mere sound of his suave voice making some of the girls pass out.

Renji cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah..."

The man smiled. "May we... step inside?" He motioned to the door Renji was currently blocking.

Despite the fact that he was growing increasingly uncomfortable, the lieutenant cautiously replied, "Uh... sure...?"

Daichi's smile widened. He then clapped a hand onto Renji's shoulder and addressed the crowd. "Ladies, I appreciate your kind words and hospitality. If you'll excuse me for a bit, though, I'd like to catch up with an old friend. I'll be back!" And with a dramatic wave of his hand, he and Renji disappeared into the building, escaping the screaming of the crazed fangirls.

Once they were safely inside, Renji smacked the side of his head a few times as if to knock the noise out of his ears.

"So," Daichi went on, his voice considerably different from just moments before, "you're the guy, huh?"

Again, Renji blinked in confusion. "Have we _met_?" he stated more than asked.

The man laughed. "Sorry, I never properly introduced myself." He bowed respectfully and continued, "I am Daichi Morimoto, former lieutenant of the Sixth Division." He smiled again. "It's nice to finally meet my successor."

Renji was silent for a moment. Then he managed to stutter, "Y...you used to be a shinigami??"

"Hard to believe, right? Can't say I blame you," he chuckled. "I never really went for the whole 'protectors of the Soul Society' thing. Too much of a burden, y'know? Showbiz takes a lot of pressure off--"

"Hold on, hold on," Renji interrupted. "You were talking like a freakin' prince out there! How come now you're so..."

"Different?" Daichi snickered. "That's pretty much for the girls. And I... kinda like talking like that. Makes me feel really dignified."

Again, Renji was struck speechless. Finally, he asked, "Okay, so... what are you doing here?"

"I believe I should be asking that question."

The two men turned around to see Byakuya walking up to them. Renji's eyes widened. "C-Captain--"

"Heeeyyy, Byakuya!"

The current lieutenant stared at Daichi in disbelief. Where did he get off addressing the captain so casually?

The response was a simple Byakuya Kuchiki Glare. "I don't recall giving you permission to return here after you left, Daichi."

"I didn't realize I _needed_ it," the man laughed a bit awkwardly. When Byakuya was silent, Daichi went on, "Relax, Kuchiki, I just came to see how the new guy was doing." He then wrapped an arm around Renji's neck as if the two had known each other forever.

Renji continued to stare. _New guy_?

Byakuya narrowed his eyes. "Renji has been my lieutenant for years. If you came by more often, maybe you would have known that."

"How could I if ya never let me?"

"It doesn't seem to have stopped you."

"Man, it's been, like, fifty years since then. When are you gonna let it go?"

"Perhaps if you hadn't been--"

Daichi sighed. "Byakuya, give it up, you're not makin' any sense. And, uh..." He stepped closer to the captain and lowered his voice just enough so that Renji could still hear him. "I don't really wanna say this in front of him--" He jerked a thumb in Renji's direction. "--but it's making you look kinda stupid."

Byakuya said nothing. Then he huffed and turned around, muttering as he left, "As you were."

Renji blinked.

Daichi turned to face him proudly. "Huh? Huh?"

The lieutenant's jaw dropped. "I... I've never seen him at a loss for words like that.... That may have been the greatest thing I've ever seen!"

"I know, right?" the former shinigami laughed.

"How did you do that?" Renji asked, still amazed.

"He just hates having people mess with his head. Really screws him up, y'know?" Renji let out a laugh. "Oh, here's a good one," Daichi went on. "Next time he's annoying you like that and just kinda starts to ramble-- Has he ever done that with you?"

After thinking it over for a moment, Renji nodded, "A few times."

"Alright, next time that happens, when he's done, just look at him and say, 'I'm sorry, did you say something?'"

"Have you done that before?"

"You kidding? Greatest day ever."

As Renji chuckled again, there was a sudden pounding at the door. The two stared in the direction of the noise, and Daichi snickered. "I should go." He went on in his 'professional' voice, "My public awaits." Before he left, though, he turned to Renji and said, "Nice meetin' ya. Remember what I said."

Renji nodded. "Got it."

And with that, Daichi disappeared into another obnoxiously loud round of screams.

". . . Wow."

XXXXXXXX

"Renji."

The lieutenant looked up from his work for a second time that day, this time to see his captain standing in the doorway. "May I have a word with you?"

Renji grew nervous. He did _not_ sound happy. Well, he _never_ sounded happy, but this time he seemed especially unhappy. "Y-yes, sir," he finally replied, walking toward Byakuya.

"I noticed you were speaking with Daichi Morimoto earlier today," the captain went on.

"Um, yes."

He narrowed his eyes. "I would advise you to stay away from him."

This caught Renji off-guard. Daichi seemed a bit odd, but to be told something like that struck him as rather extreme. "...Why is that?"

"You may have noticed that Daichi and I didn't quite get along before."

"...Kinda."

"Do you have any idea why I don't like him?"

Renji suppressed a laugh. If that wasn't the understatement of the century... "No, sir, why?"

Byakuya either didn't notice Renji's almost-laugh or ignored it, and went on, "Because he lacks the ability to take anything he does seriously."

"Uh, no offense, Captain, but how would you know that?"

"Daichi was my lieutenant for many years before you replaced him, Renji. I grew to know him quite well. And considering your skills need improvement as it is, the last thing I need is his irresponsible attitude wearing off on you."

Renji faintly heard him as he continued to talk; all he could focus on was the fact that his own captain was basically degrading him. He continued to barely listen until Byakuya finally said, "Have I made myself clear?"

_Ah, what the hell,_ he thought. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

When Byakuya once again fell silent, Renji could practically see Daichi guiding him through what followed.

"Hello, and welcome to today's lesson, The Biomechanical Reaction of Captain Byakuya Kuchiki When He's Not Being Listened To. Stage One, the jaw clench. Grr!"

Byakuya clenched his jaw.

"Quickly followed by Stage Two, over-enunciation."

"Renji, I do _not_ have _time_ to _repeat_ myself."

"And finally, Stage Three, Byakuya begrudgingly offers a sign of respect, but distances himself by pausing too long and too often."

"But I will... commend you.. for... being able to.. fool me. . . like that."

Daichi nodded, satisfied with the results. "The young soldier is offered a prize for his courage." He smiled excitedly at Renji. "Get ready."

Renji snapped out of his fantasy as Byakuya went on, "I understand you've been working to improve your bankai recently. Would you... like me to help?"

He knew this was his captain's way of reaching out to him as a co-worker (and as a friend?), but Renji had no intention of letting him off the hook so easily for his insult. "...I have other plans."

Byakuya eyed him suspiciously. "What?"

Renji froze. _Okay,_ he thought, _something believable that has nothing to do with Rukia... Grandma died. No, that doesn't make any sense! If she were dead, she'd be here! Well, I guess she could have died here and gone back. Yeah, that could work... But I never _knew_ her! Crap!_

"Renji."

Without thinking, he quickly responded, "My grandma died." And as he quietly escaped the inevitable awkward silence by retreating back into his office, he sighed.

"Worth it."


End file.
